What to do on the worst days...

What is the biggest mood improver in the world? There are many candidates. One must be the weather. It can be unbelievably depressing to wake to yet another monochrome white sky, a dull chill in the air, drizzling rain spattering against the sodden, muddy earth. Conversely, a clear morning sky, blue and fresh, the sun rising above the hills, giving light and health to all - this lifts the spirits and makes one feel that the earth is worth inhabiting after all.

There are spiritual mood improvers too. It doesn’t always work like this but meditation upon Scripture, prayer, silence, and so on - all of these can certainly help. But a remedy for depression, anxiety, hunger pangs, general misery exists and it is called “sleep”.

This is a hyper-pertinent reality for me. My days differ enormously because my quality and length of sleep differs from night to night. Things weren’t so bad a couple of months ago - Alexander was sleeping through and waking up only occasionally. Now, he is waking up every night. It’s normally before 2am, sometimes well before. I go in and co-sleep with him almost all the time. The reason is that he sleeps a lot better with me than with Lorna, so I’m happy to do it. Most of the time, I’m able to get back to sleep and it’s not too bad, but occasionally…

On Sunday night, it was a bad one. He woke up at about midnight and didn’t go back to sleep till about 2am. I had gone to sleep earlier at about 10.30pm or so. That’s pretty late for me and wasn’t a good move. After getting back to sleep around 2, I slept until 6am at which point I was jabbed in the back by Alex’s toe. He was awake. Time to get up.

Even though I had been asleep for around four hours during that stretch, I felt like I hadn’t been to sleep at all. I was cloaked by a shroud of heaviness that stayed with me all day. The weather was miserable too, exactly as I described above. And it really was one of those days on which I felt like life is just awful. I’m not saying I was in physical agony or suffering in that sense: life just seemed so deprived of joy and everything seemed utterly depressing.

The sleep scientist Matthew Walker says that, ‘sleep disruption…contributes to all major psychiatric conditions, including depression, anxiety, and suicidality’ (Matthew Walker, Why We Sleep: The New Science of Sleep and Dreams, p. 3). And that is very easy to believe.

The good news is I got to bed early on Monday night and slept really well. The following day, the sun was out and I was completely refreshed and ready to do everything that I needed to do with a clear mind and a cheerful countenance. The weather was better, as I say, but the deciding factor was sleep.

What to do on the worst day of your life?

I know I’m being hyperbolic here. I’m not talking about the worst day as in when somebody you love dies or when you are diagnosed with a terminal illness. I mean it more in terms of the humdrum, the ennui, the acedia that gnaws at the soul and whispers creeping despair. What do you do when you are sleep-deprived, devoid of orientation, unable to even think lucidly enough to form a coherent thought, let alone to derive some kind of meaning from this vertiginous confusion?

So this post is for me really. And you might benefit as well, particularly if you are a parent of young children or if you suffer from insomnia. And I’d be interested to know what your suggestions are too. Here’s what I’ve come up with in my more lucid moments:

First, remember that the reason that you feel so terrible is because you haven’t slept well. This is a physiological function of the body that can be remedied without medication or expense. It is a simply a case of finding time for a decent amount of shut-eye. Moreover, you will enjoy it immensely when it happens. The feeling that life is not worth living is just that: a feeling, not a fact. It will be worth living tomorrow or after you’ve had a nap.

Second, be realistic about what is possible today. There are days when you will be able to absolutely crush difficult and demanding tasks. This is simply not one of them. You’ve got a list of things to do. Do what you can. Pick tasks which are easier and not going to destroy you psychologically.

Third (related), plan what you are going to do and stick to the plan. I have this strange psychological habit which happens particularly when I’m tired. This involves trying to improve my plan as I go through the day, as though I can somehow hack my day by little tweaks. But the best time to plan one’s day is at the beginning of the day and not during. During the day, you are already going and there are all sorts of things rushing through your head. The best thing to do is to write down a certain number of doable tasks, to go through them one-by-one without questioning and, at the end, to stop. Which leads to…

Fourth, find some positive motivation to finish your tasks. I find this one especially difficult because I find that work has a kind of addictive quality to it. I notice that, when I start doing admin in particular, I begin to feel tense and anxious. It should have the opposite effect because I’m straightening everything out. But it doesn’t. The anxiety roots me to the spot and stops me from looking away. I have to keep working because I have to attend to my anxiety that everything won’t get done. This is where trusting in the list helps because the list tells me that, once everything is done, I can relax. But there has to be something to relax with. This could be a simple lie down or a nap but it could be something like the following: something that you are enjoying at the moment - a book, a podcast, or even (dare I say it) a TV show. It could be doing some exercise - lifting weights, going for a run or a walk with the dog. It could be some other activity that simply relieves the pressure and disrupts the monotony. But it must be something that you do not because you have to but because you find it enjoyable. That is the key.

Fifth, try to find time to rest and nap. Napping is not for the weak but for the wise. If you doubt this, read Matthew Walker’s Defence of Napping. Sleep is like medicine and fuel for the body. It would not be thought wise or strong to deprive yourself of appropriate medication or food because it would be weak to have these things. Neither should it be thought so with sleep.

Sixth, look forward to tomorrow with positive anticipation. It’s a funny thing but often my mood goes right down one day and shoots up the next, even if I have a further bad night’s sleep. This happened to me this week. I felt pretty awful on Wednesday when I was woken up at about midnight, 2am and 4am and didn’t really get much sleep from 2am onwards. But the next morning I woke up in a much better mood and I was very inspired with some news ideas. The tasks that had seemed stressful and insurmountable the day before seemed doable and didn’t dominate my thoughts and emotions. I conclude from this that human beings are mysterious. As St Augustine said, “I have become a mystery to myself.” I absolutely believe that getting 7-9 hours sleep is the best things for us. But our moods and psychological dispositions undulate so extraordinarily that they cannot be anticipated with any accuracy. I think also that there could be a sense in which the negative psychological spaces we often get into can constitute a kind of clear-out of bad emotions. Sometimes we just have to go through the pain and anxiety and out the other side. It can often feel like things are getting worse when, in fact, they are just about to get better.

….

Ultimately a good night’s sleep reminds us of the renewing power of God’s love, of the hope of the resurrection, of the renewal of all things. This is beautifully put in a song by The Porter’s Gate:

You are not what you have done
Or what has been done to you
You are something like the rising sun
Can't you see that you are new?

You are new every morning
You are new every morning
Each day a resurrection waiting to break through
You are new

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Thanks so much for reading. Have a blessed weekend and get some good rest!