“Since the human soul is capable of receiving God alone, nothing less than God can
fill it; which explains why lovers of earthly things are never satisfied.”Richard Rolle, The Fire of Love, p.76 (Penguin Classics Edition)
That is a spiritual truth the outworking of which is never complete in this life. In many ways, I think that the spiritual life can be seen as a continual return to this one central insight, an insight which is repeated in many different ways throughout the Scriptures and spiritual writings of the saints: the insufficiency of things to satisfy the deepest human need.
Recognising that this is a reality is one thing. Understanding how it applies to oneself - and to one’s own soul - is an entirely different one. It is a difficulty to the Christian above all. Why is it so hard? Because as a Christian it is very very easy to confuse the things that we do in the service of God for God himself. That is, we idolise our service of God and seek fulfilment in that rather than in God himself. And ultimately (and this is the worst thing), it is really all about me.
This is certainly true in my life. And it is a draining, tiring, sinful pattern that I fall into again and again.
I remember about ten years ago now, I was still in the evangelical charismatic free church scene, feeling intellectually stultified. As a kind of protest within my own soul, I made a list in the back of my diary of all the things I was going to try and achieve. I think I said that I would try and do this over the next ten years. I can’t remember exactly what these goals were, but they were things like learning New Testament Greek. It might have included going back to university to get a Master’s Degree in Theology. But they were certainly things of that type: an attempt to learn and grow intellectually.
I mustn’t be too dismissive, as I believe that it is essential for ministers of the gospel to be sufficiently knowledgeable about their own subject-matter. So I wouldn’t say that it has been a waste of time to dedicate myself to learning and scholarly pursuits. But there is a sense in which it can be a waste of life. And what I mean is that the scholarly and the intellectual take precedence over the spiritual. What do I care about more: learning about God or drawing nearer to him in my heart and my life? There are points at which I would have said that that was a false dichotomy, that learning about him is to draw near to him. But I don’t believe that now: “Even the demons believe” (James 2:19). The Devil is a very good theologian. But he does not love God and he has no desire to be in his presence.
Have I prioritised knowledge over the presence of God? Yes. But I must have noticed myself doing it because I’m writing these words now and so I have hope. Why did I do this? It is partly because I love to learn things and that there is a genuine joy in that for me. At times, it is because I am motivated to become a better minister of the Gospel. But it is also because (and I suspect that, deep down, this is the real reason) I want people to think that I am clever, that I want people to be impressed by me, that I want to be thought of as somebody significant.
How does loving God change things? The pursuit of God is not a cumbersome thing. It is simply a drawing near through an act of the will. And yet to do that we need to give it time. I have become painfully aware of how I rush from one thing to another, never doing anything as well as I could, never being fully present but always projecting forward to the next thing. And I do that in my prayer time too. And that is largely because I am not giving it the time it needs. I am rushing. Why? Because I want to get to the next thing - to the next achievement, so that I can prove myself…or improve myself and therefore render myself impressive, or perhaps even superior.
I am trying to cut back. Not to cut out entirely, but just to place things into their proper order. I still read. I still think. I still learn. I still exercise. I still try and improve in other areas. And yet, when all of those are orientated towards the ultimate goal of my life, which is to know God and to draw close to him, then they assume an appropriate proportion and they lose their sense of weariness. As I cut those things back, I am less rushed, and I have more time for prayer and contemplation. The tangle of hard feelings unravel and I know a greater peace.
The Gospel tells us that the Kingdom of God is within us first of all. If we cannot find the Kingdom of God within us, if we cannot meet God within, in the very depth of ourselves, our chances of meeting him outside ourselves are very remote.
Metropolitan Anthony, Creative Prayer, p.17 (Darton Longman & Todd)
Since God is everywhere, he is already present to us and with us. But the spiritual life begins by finding him there. The spiritual life starts within, and outworks itself into the world. But if there is no “within” to begin with then there is no genuine spirituality. And our works are just an empty labour. Jesus calls us to lay down this heavy burden and to dwell within his love.
I’m starting to wonder if Jordan Peterson has been a bad influence upon me. I remember being inspired by his words when I was thinking about quitting my doctorate: “The people you most respect are those who have picked up a heavy weight and carried it for a long time.” That is in some ways encouraging but it is a Stoical principle and not a Christian one. It is about the will, the exercise of the will alone. (It is also all about impressing people.) Clearly there is something Christian about it. After all, Christ calls us to take up the heavy cross and to carry it after him. And yet, how do we do that? We do it through the power of the Holy Spirit, the gift of God, the presence of Jesus, which is given to us day-by-day and transforms the efforts of our labour, the reflex of our will, into a work of grace. It’s not to say that it’s not hard. But it is to say that God in Christ is involved. And that makes all the difference. I will wear myself out being a Stoic. I will be renewed, even in the midst of cross-carrying death, by drawing close to Jesus. Again, something I am learning, through many, many setbacks and sins.
I think this is reflected perfectly in Psalm 127:1-2
Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it:
except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.
It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows:
for so he giveth his beloved sleep.
If the Lord does not animate our labours, they are a weariness and their only result is that we “eat the bread of sorrows”. Even what we produce does not satisfy because it is not orientated towards the ultimate source of our fulfilment and life. We can try ever so hard - I know that I can - getting up early, working as hard as possible all day to try and achieve something. But what’s driving that can be so vain and so futile. True fruitfulness can only be carried out in the Lord. True rest found only in his presence.
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